Scouting Report: Southwestern Northeast State A&M Southerners

Look, I don't know who Florida is playing in the first round of the NCAA tourney. I googled, "North South East West University School" and got no results. So as far as I know, this opponent is completely made up and Florida is already in the 2nd round, which is pretty awesome. Big time kudos to the selection committee for giving an imaginary school a #14 seed. WHY AIN'T YOU BITCHIN' ABOUT THAT, JAY BILAS????

Founded: 1989. Washed up onshore in Myrtle Beach, SC after Hurricane Hugo rolled through. Town folk fixed it up real nice like. After some time, it packed up its things and moseyed on out of town. Headed west they say.

Location: To locate this school, press: North, North, South, South, West, East, West, East, B, A, Start. 

Famous Alum: The Marlboro Man. Welcome to Flavor County, which is just north, but not too north, from the university's southwestern satellite campus.

2033 Mock Recruiting Class

The 2013 Florida Gators recruiting class is in the books. Some people are going to immediately start looking ahead to the 2014 class, but I think they're being shortsighted. I say, if you had the balls, you'd look ahead even further, like, 20 years to the 2033 class. Unlike my peers, I have the hairy onions to predict Florida's 2033 class. Let's take a look at how I believe things will take shape for the Gators in the distant future.

QB Sterling Crystalwhip óóóó, 6-4, 235 lbs., Landover, MD/Coffeyville CC

Considered UF coming out of high school in 2031 before signing with Ohio State and head coach Bush Hamdan. The former high school All-American was suspended during his freshman season following his DUI arrest on his hover scooter. He decided to leave school and attend Coffeyville Community College where he threw for 3,105 yards, 34 tds and 5 ints in 2032.

QB John Brantley V, óóóó, 6-2, 205 lbs., Ocala, FL/Trinity Catholic

The next in a long line of Brantleys to play for the University of Florida; he is the son of former Florida QB John Brantley IV. Should be a Gator, but his dad may not want him to get booed mercilessly.

RB Tanqueray Harris, óóó, 5-10, 198 lbs., Tyrone, GA/Sandy Creek

The first commitment in this class. He did so during Florida’s 5^th grade camp in 2026. Despite the fact UF has had a new head coach in each of the last 5 years, he has stuck by his commitment.

The Do's And Don'ts For Recruiting

National Signing Day is only a few days away, February 6th to be exact. To this point, Florida has locked up much of their class and what a class it is! There's that one guy that throws the ball a long way. And that other guy who runs fast. And they got that one guy that we all really wanted who has all those stars. Man, this class is loaded! But, there are still some recruits out there that haven't committed to the University of Florida yet. I know, I'm just as shocked as you are. That's just crazy talk. Every recruit should want to play for Florida and if they don't, they are brain dead, probably from multiple concussions playing football. I'm here to offer some do's and don'ts for you, the fan, as we approach signing day.

Scouting Report: University Of Louisville Cardinals

Founded: Johnathon Craft was born on March 23, 1921 in Louisville, Kentucky. He was put up for adoption soon after. He spent the first eight years of his life at an orphanage before leaving. He wasn't adopted, he just left. After spending a year alone fending for himself, he moved in with a family. Again, they didn't adopted him, he just showed up and made himself at home. He refused to attend school, preferring to teach himself. At the age of 13, he killed a mother bear with a pocketknife and raised the cubs. He was later accepted to Yale, but chose the military. While in the Air Force, he was sent to Germany during World War II, where he shot down over 500 birds and one Nazi plane that he hit by mistake while aiming for a bird. He even posed as a Nazi soldier one day just to see what it was like, later describing it as, "too uptight." Once he returned home he opened a store that sold scooters for dogs. The business failed, so he burned the store down and left town. No one knows where he went. At the same time on the other side of town, a man whose story is far too boring than the one I just told founded the University of Louisville.

Top 10 Most And Least Viewed Stories In 2012

Here are the top 10 stories that you read the most for 2012. Go ahead and read them again!

10. Dooley Hangs Self With Orange Pants Following Loss

9. Florida Fan Dies After Laughing Too Hard At FSU, Miami, And Georgia

8. A Draft Day Phone Conversation With John Brantley And Stephen Garcia

7. Brissett Named Starter After Impressing With Fourth Quarter Handoffs

6. Gators Erect 'God Hates Aggs' Billboard In College Station

5. Brissett Looking To Transfer After Losing Quarterback Battle

4. Muschamp Apologizes For Competent Offense

3. Muschamp Wants Fans To Shut The Fuck Up About The Lack Of Passing And Enjoy The Running Game

2. Easley Not Ruling Out Murdering Someone This Weekend

1. Muschamp Drops Turd In Urinal Upon Leaving College Station

The Mailsack: 12/24/12

With the new playoff system, who does Florida play next if they beat Louisville in the Sugar Bowl?

-Sam Stanford

Oh, Jesus Christ. The playoff system doesn't begin until--you know what? I'm not going to explain it to you. Florida plays the Orange Bowl winner between FSU/NIU.

Sad Derek Dooley Spotted On Gainesville Park Bench Contemplating Future

Florida named former Kentucky head coach, Joker Phillips, their new wide receivers coach today. The announcement saddened many who were hoping that Derek Dooley would be the choice, none more than Dooley, himself. The former Tennessee coach was spotted on a Gainesville park bench this afternoon visibly upset shortly after the announcement was made. Witnesses say Dooley fought back tears and sat there for a good hour gazing off into the distance deep in thought. "He looked pretty upset. I didn't know what was wrong with him, but he seemed like a man that didn't get a wide receivers coach position. Immaculate hair, though, for a man who was frazzled," said witness Jeff Trueblood. Many thought Dooley would be considered for the job given he and Will Muschamp are BFFs. It is unclear what Dooley will do now. Friends close to him say his current options include moving back in with his parents, chauffeuring Nick Saban around, or taking the USF head coaching job, none of which, he is thrilled about. Before making any plans about his future, he, Skip Holtz, and Tommy Bowden will take a fishing trip together to discuss not living up to their father's legacies.

Muschamp Apologizes For Competent Offense

(Photo credit: Matt Stamey/Gainesville Sun)

The Florida offense has been maligned for much of this season, more so over their last five games where they have really struggled to score. Things were much different on Saturday in Tallahassee where Florida defeated FSU 37-26. Florida's offense came out on the opening drive of the game and established a game plan designed to keep FSU's defense off-balance. The plan worked to the tune of 394 total yards, including 244 on the ground and controlled the time of possession for 36:20.