A-to-Z Guide For The 2011 College Football Season

The college football season is almost here, which means it's time to make some predictions. I'm a modern day Nostrildamus, but way better than that daft hack. Actually, I shouldn't call these predictions because I actually traveled into the future in a time machine I built powered by uranium, Four Loko, and sex appeal. This is a list of events that WILL happen with 100% certainty.



Auburn will finish the season 6-6, but on the bright side, the Tigers will only have to forfeit six wins after this season.

BO PELINI WILL YELL AT EVERYONE (BUT MOSTLY TAYLOR MARTINEZ) UNTIL HE'S RED IN THE FACE ALL SEASON LONG!

Craig James will accidentally lock himself in a supply closet at ESPN headquarters. A custodian will see this happen, but not let him out until the next day.

Dan Mullen will convince everyone in the state of Mississippi that Ole Miss does not exist and never has.

Erin Andrews will marry me. She will divorce me shortly after when she reads this blog.

Fuck Lane Kiffin.

Georgia will limp into the World's Largest Cocktail Party with only one healthy running back, freshman walk-on Ken Malcome. He will rush for 274 yards on 31 carries and two scores. Georgia will lose 42-14.

Howard Schnellenberger will make sweet, tender love to his wife in front of his FAU team to motivate them before their season opening game against Florida. The Owls will lose 35-17, but the lessons learned that day will last a lifetime.

Indiana still has a football program. Who knew?

Jimbo Fisher will lead FSU to a 10-2 regular season, but will be upset by Virginia Tech in the ACC Championship Game. Eager to celebrate anything, FSU will rename Doak Campbell Stadium after Fisher and erect a statue of him outside. Mark Stoops will be named head coach-in-waiting. Fisher will be forced to retire in 2 years.

Kentucky will suck.

Les Miles will coach a game blindfolded. Why? Hell if I know. He will win 30-24 on a last second trick play that he drew up the night before after having a conversation with a hot dog.

Mike Leach will receive a text from Bruce Feldman telling him Craig James locked himself in a supply closet. Leach will laugh like a motherfucker. Feldman will be fired and catapulted out of Bristol.

Nick Saban will ask all media members to look down at their feet in shame while asking him a question.

Ohio State will once again be rocked by scandal when mascot, Brutus the Buckeye, tests positive for steroids.

You can't tell me he's not juicin' with a
noggin that big. I wonder how shriveled
his buckeyes are?

PAAWWWWWWLLLL, them Auburn fans gone too farrr! It's appawwlling that one of them slept with Saban's wife and got her pregnant. When's it gonna end, Pawwwwlll? I'll hangup and listen.

Quetzalcoatl will be summoned by Dana Holgorsen, who will throw a saddle on the scaly sum-bitch and ride him through West Virginia, burning it to the ground. This will happen after he hangs 70 on Pittsburgh, just because he can.

Rich Rodriguez will suffer more public humiliation in his new job as an analyst when he is forced to interview Brady Hoke at least once a week for everyone else's amusement.

Stephen Garcia will lead the Gamecocks to their first ever SEC Championship over Allbmlaamla. He will throw 5 tds in the game and be named MVP. When he awakes from this dream back in Columbia and hungover, he will watch on TV as Conner Shaw gets crushed by the Tide.

Temple will have a hilarious season.

Urban Meyer will go insane with the banality of working as an analyst and begin yelling, "FOUR TO SIX SECONDS GIVING EVERYTHING YOU GOT!" during a telecast before running out of the studio. He will rip off his suit revealing khakis, a polo, a whistle, and a plane ticket to Columbus, Ohio.

Verne Lundquist will use the phrase "donkey punch" on-air and have no idea what it means.

Wendi Nix will use the phrase "donkey punch" on-air and know EXACTLY what it means.

Xavier University really needs to start a football program so I have something to put here.

Yale will average a higher team GPA than yards per carry.

Zooker will finish the year 5-7 and keep his job by convincing his new AD they're gettin' better and better.