Wednesday, November 9, 2011

2011-12 Florida Gators Men's Basketball Half-Assed Season Preview

The Gators tip-off for realsies on Friday night against vaunted--let me check the schedule real quick--Jackson State. Here's an overview of this season's team.

Quick 2010-11 Recap: 29-8 (1st overall in SEC: 13-3). Lost to Kentucky in SEC Tournament Championship Game. Lost to Butler in the Elite Eight. Finished 10th in final poll.

Key Losses: Chandler Parsons, Alex Tyus, Vernon Macklin.

Key Additions: Bradley Beal, Mike Rosario.

Coaching Staff: Billy Donovan had to replace all three of his assistant coaches this offseason after longtime assistant Larry Shyatt left to become the head coach in the middle of nowhere. While, Rob Lanier and Richard Pitino both left to take assistant jobs at Texas and Louisville, respectively. Replacing those three are the guy who coached with Donovan before and whose face still smells like Christian Laettner's armpit, a new black guy, and a high school kid.

Backcourt: The clear strength of this team. The backcourt is deeper than a Ralph Waldo Emerson poem. Erving Walker and Kenny Boynton return, but they have help in launching ill-advised threes and driving into traffic recklessly from Mike Rosario and freshman sensation Bradley Beal. The latter has the chance to become the greatest one-and-done player in UF history, joining an impressive list of players who have suited up for only one year at UF like Donnell Harvey, Jason Williams, and Eloy Vargas. Expect to see sophomore Casey Prather receive more playing time after winning a bet with Donovan in the offseason. Don't worry, it was just a friendly wager picking the World Series winner with playing time and $2000 riding on it. No need for the NCAA to get involved. Also, don't forget Scottie Wilbekin. As a freshman, he wasn't old enough to buy a porno, but was old enough to have to defend Brandon Knight. You tell me which one of those should be illegal? This season, Wilbekin's biggest battle besides finding playing time, will be sprouting his first chest hair.

Frontcourt: Did you know Patric Young is a member of the Wu Tang Clan? Yep, because he's about to bring the muthafuckin' ruckus this year. SEC, you're on notice. The rest of the frontcourt is comprised of Erik Murphy, Cody Larson, Will Yeguete, and Walter Pitchford. They will all look good standing around watching the guards jack up threes and Young hurting people inside like Jason Statham.

Florida Reaches The Final Four If...

-They do the little things and are unselfish, like holding the door open for each other and calling if they're going to be late so the rest of the team isn't up all night worrying.

-They make, like, an assload of threes.

-They find a 7-footer with a smooth post-up game just hanging around campus looking for a chance to play.

Florida Misses The NCAA Tournament If...

-They have to play Kentucky twenty times during the regular season.

-Patric Young and Bradley Beal leave for the NBA in January.

-A Space Jam situation where aliens steal each player's talent.

-They miss, like, an assload of threes.

Season Prediction: The schedule is tough. The frontcourt is unproven. The coaching staff is really good, but they're new and learning to work together. The backcourt is fast, talented, and loaded, but Walker and Boynton have been inconsistent in the past. All things considered, Gator fans should expect this team to be UNDEFEATED NATIONAL CHAMPS! WOOOOOOOOOO!

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