Scouting Report: University of South Carolina Gamecocks

Bold move going with a fowl that
looks like it's choking. Then again, I
guess it perfectly captures USC football.

Founded: 1801 and 60 years later the Civil War began. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

Location: The saddest place on Earth--Columbia, South Carolina. No, it's a great place...for a dog to wander off and die in. I'm joking. I would love to live there...if I hated happiness and sunshine.

Enrollment: 29,597. I know for a fact that most of those are farm animals and puppets. Ain't no way that many people gonna willingly attend a school in Sakerlina.

Famous Alums: Hootie And The Blowfish. The SEC leads the nation in football and bands that make me want to set myself on fire, then stop, drop, and roll on broken glass.

Head Coach: The man that taught me there is no such thing as running up the score and the proper fundamentals for throwing a visor, Mr. Steve Orr Spurrier. 22nd year overall (193-75-2). 7th season at USC (51-35).

Season Record: 7-2

Strengths: Drinkin' and fightin'.

Weaknesses: They have continually allowed Melvin Ingram and Jadeveon Clowney to hurt people and have done nothing to stop this brutality. Have we learned nothing this week? If you see something, say something.

Player To Watch: Quarterback Conner Shaw. He suffered a mild concussion last Saturday against Arkansas and will play vs. Florida. Look, it's ONLY a mild concussion. What's the worst that could happen? No different than a mild gunshot wound or a mild case of AIDS. A week is plenty of time to heal from a mild head injury. I get concussions all the time and I'm aosbhdbdjaknnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn fine. The SEC Eastern division title is on the line. You gotta suck it up and play. Brain damage be damned.

Fun Fact: Stephen Garcia will be having a kick-ass kegger at his place during the game. EVERYONE'S INVITED!*

*Except any bros wearing skinny jeans.