Hey nippledicks, Chigger Dan here to wish you a Merry Christmas. Tis the season of giving and I gave some children a dead possum to play with yesterday. They ran away in terror, however. You try to do something nice and this is what you get. Fucking ingrates. Oh well, more possum for me. The holiday season also means it's bowl season and if it's bowl season that means some poor shitty team is about to get dominated by THE MOTHERFUCKING UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!
So what bowl is Miami in this year? I bet it's a prestigious one like the Hall of Fame or Blockbuster. I have fond memories of the Hall of Fame Bowl. Back in '93 I threw a bottle of urine at a Boston College fan. Nailed him right in the back of his stupid head. He also didn't appreciate me yelling, "FLUTIE TO PHELAN--TOUCHDOWN!" Fuck Boston College.
Whatever bowl Miami's in, it's sure to be better than the shithole Florida's in. Hey Gator fans, enjoy your trip to Jacksonville or as I call it--The World's Largest Outdoor Toilet. I bet it stings to be playing the team that has your former coach. I don't feel sorry for you. You should have seen this coming. Everybody already knew Urban Meyer was a scumbag. I've been screaming that for years at any fire hydrant that will listen, but none of you stupid Gator fans believed me. You all are just late to the party. I've always hated Urban Meyer, but now that he made all of you Gator fans cry like bitches, I kind of like him now.
Tell me, how are things going with your dumb redneck coach? Hahahaha! I bet that 6-6 season tastes as bitter as the contents of that diaper I ate the other night. There's not a more deserving group of people of a 6-6 season than you Gay-turd fans. Oh and I know Miami was 6-6 also, but our 6-6 season was WAY better than your 6-6 season. You got destroyed by Alabama AND LSU! How do you let that happen? Those teams haven't been good in years! Hahahahaha! We only lost to FSU by 4 points and you lost to them by 14! We also beat Ohio State by 18, so I can't wait to watch your offense suffer a seizure trying to get the ball past midfield. What a pathetic fucking team. It's too bad you're afraid to play the Canes anymore because we would beat the shit out of you by 3 points this year. Just ask USF about the 6-3 ass whipping we gave them. They don't want none of DA UUUUUUUU!!!
Your fatass offensive coordinator couldn't wait to get the hell out of your shitty town and for a job in KANSAS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He'd rather be surrounded by....uh...synagogues? Look, I don't know what the fuck they have in Kansas. I'm sure it's shitty, but it's clearly an upgrade over Gainesville. Your team is going nowhere. Your days of winning championships are done. Now you can go back to licking the balls of the greatest university in America--DA UUUU!!!
Face it, Miami's won five national championship to Florida's three. Argument over. Just admit it, Miami is a better school. Better city. Better athletic program. Better stadium. Better fans. Better homeless people. Better girls. Better boosters. Better cocaine. Better food. Better STDs. Better everything.
Things have been quiet with the NCAA, so it looks like Miami's in the clear for all these Nevin Shapiro allegations. So to all you people who said Miami was going to get hit with the Death Penalty--fuck you! Da U is untouchable. I knew all along nothing was going to happen. Why else would they give Hal Gordon a contract extension if the program wasn't going to be around? Logic people. Get some. I can't wait for next season! The Canes are on the rise. They just need to pay some top recruits to put them over the top and BOOM! More national championships!
Welp, that's my time. I've gotta get moseying along. Me and some of the other derelicts are gonna be singing dirty versions of Christmas carols in nice uptight white suburban neighborhoods this evening. Classics like "Deck My Balls", "The Little Hummer Boy", "Rudolph The Red-Assed Reindeer", and many more. I don't wanna miss that. Later, shitrags! Go Canes! Fuck Florida.