Scouting Report: Ohio State University Buckeyes

Nobody's better at being #2!

Founded: 1870 by 18 year old Michigan native, Hannibal Butterfield, who wasn't good enough to get into the University of Michigan. Fueled by anger and his sense of betrayal by his home state, he moved to Ohio to start his own university. His goal was to establish a school whose alums and fans were the most obnoxious in all the land. He managed to do so in only two short weeks when he casually referred to his school as THE Ohio State University.

Location: Columbus, Georgia.

Enrollment: 41-14.

Famous Alum: The greatest author to ever live--Mr. R.L. Stine. GOOSEBUMPS MOTHERFUCKERS! Oh, you don't think he's the greatest ever? You say J.D. Salinger? He was a one hit wonder. He was the Chumbawamba of literature. What's that? William Faulkner? If I wanted to know what Mississippi was like during the 1800s, I'd visit Mississippi today. You'd like to change your answer to Ernest Hemingway? Pretty sure he killed himself three pages in to one of his dreadfully boring books. James Joyce? F. Scott Fitzgerald? If I wanted to read the writings of a drunk, I'd read my grandpa's shopping list. Who else you got? I heard someone in the back say Stephen King. Oh he's cool with me. I just tore out some pages from The Shining to wipe my ass the other day. Very soft. Didn't scratch my asshole up at all. Way better than Charmin. It was like Stephen himself was tenderly kissing my stinkhole. So, thanks Stephen! Any more? Did someone seriously just say Tom Clancy? Oh for fuck sake. I said authors, not the guy that writes the company newsletter.

Head Bro Coach: Luke Fickell. 1st season overall (6-6). It's written in his contract that if he wins this bowl game he will receive a box of Affliction T-shirts in lieu of the normal monetary bonuses that most head coaches receive.

Conference: Big 10. More like the Big 0-10 come bowl season. Amirite, guys? High five! I got them good with that one!

Season Record: 6-6, but it's a good 6-6, you know? Not like Florida's 6-6, which is terrible, but a good solid 6-6 where they actually beat some ranked teams. Honestly, they're probably one of the three best 6-6 teams in the nation. Not quite as good as Miami, but better than Northwestern.

Strengths: Running. Covering their flesh in ink. Looking slow. Putting stickers on their helmets.

Weaknesses: ESS-EE-CEE SPEEEEED. Accepting illegal benefits. The forward pass. Jennifer Aniston rom-coms.

Player To Watch: Tight end Jake Stoneburner. His last name is Stoneburner. What other reason do you need?

Fun Fact: The actual buckeye nut is poisonous, but if you eat enough of them your body eventually builds up an immunity against the poison. That's just basic science and evolution.