Weis To Be Paid In Waffles

You gonna get fuuucked.

According to University of Florida records released yesterday, new offensive coordinator Charlie Weis will be paid exclusively in waffles for the next three years. Weis was also given a signing bonus of syrup. Along with that, each of UF's nine assistants will receive an additional $10,000 from the school's apparel deal with Nike. Weis, however, declined the money and will instead receive butter from Nike. "We were more than happy to compensate Coach Weis with money, but he insisted we pay him in waffles. So, we acquiesced in his request," said Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley. Weis said taking this job wasn't about the money. "I'm set for life. I've got plenty of money from my days in the NFL and at Notre Dame. At this stage in my career I just want waffles," he said. This isn't the first time a coach has been compensated with something other than money. Former Tennessee head coach Phil Fulmer was paid in donuts for most of his tenure.

Noah To Return To Bulls' Lineup After Two Month Sex Vacation

Noah seen here being boxed out in his low post.

Former Gator Joakim Noah will return to the Chicago Bulls' lineup Wednesday night against Toronto after taking two months off to travel the world and have sex with everything that moves. Noah has missed Chicago's last thirty games. He last suited up for the Bulls on December 15 before deciding to take a vacation to unwind from the rigors and stress of the NBA season. In that time without him, Chicago has gone 22-8 and currently has the third best record in the Eastern Conference at 38-16, thanks mostly to MVP candidate Derrick Rose shouldering the load in Noah's absence.

Parsons Questionable For Dinner Tonight

University of Florida trainers and head coach Billy Donovan continue to monitor the deep thigh bruise of senior forward Chandler Parsons. After missing Sunday's contest in Baton Rouge against LSU, Parsons has been ruled questionable for dinner tonight. "He's suppose to meet some friends for dinner tonight, but I'm not sure he's going to make it," said Donovan. "We're taking this injury hour-by-hour."

A Day In The Life Of Will Muschamp

6:00 am: Alarm goes off to the tune of Every Time I Die's "The Marvelous Slut". Springs from bed, begins kicking and punching the air as if he's at an ETID show.

6:02 am: Lights a cigar, doesn't smoke it, just puts it out on his thigh.
 
6:04 am: Takes a piss standing from his bed, hits the toliet 20ft away. Not a single drop strays outside the bowl.

6:05 am: Sexes the wife.

6:43 am: Sits down for breakfast. A bowl of nails and gasoline with a lightly buttered slice of steel wool. Washes it down with a tall glass of bleach.

Check Out The New Digs

Welcome to the new home of The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman! This is a much needed upgrade from Facebook. It feels more official, doesn't it? I think so. While this isn't an official TUG website, it's about as official as it's going to get. This page will allow me to do what I want without having to deal with the headache of maintaining an actual site. From now on, all news articles will be posted here then linked to the Facebook page. So, bookmark this page and continue to spread the word about TUG! Enjoy!