Muschamp Creates Weed Manager Position

In light of four recent marijuana arrests, including the dismissal of Janoris Jenkins from the team, Will Muschamp has created a new position within the Florida football department--weed manager. The main responsibility of this new position is to keep all players who smoke marijuana locked in their rooms. Muschamp also announced he has filled the position with former weed dealer and intimidating black man, Qwan. "I can smash all the fucking chairs in the world, but these dumb motherfuckers are going to smoke that shit regardless," said Muschamp while skinning a rattlesnake. "So, I'm gonna nip the bud on this marijuana problem. Qwan is going to make sure these dumbasses stay in their fucking rooms and smoke, and not let them walk around town with that shit in their pockets or in their fucking car." Qwan's other responsibilities will be to purchase and distribute the weed to the players. "Wa! Wa! Yo, I'm excited to be apart of this crunk-ass football program," said Qwan, who's fresh out of prison for a crime he didn't commit. "Gator fans ain't got shit to worry about with your boy Qwan on duty. I'ma hold shit down. I personally guarantee no Gator football player will get arrested under my watch. Wa! Wa!"

Weis Ruins Easter Egg Hunt

It wasn't a happy Easter for fifty Gainesville area children on Saturday. Exactly two hundred eggs that were hidden for a church Easter egg hunt, were found to be missing when time came for the children to search for them. Leaving everyone baffled. That's when one parent found a couple of clues to the disappearance of the eggs. It was a trail of sweat and large footprints that they followed for approximately two hundred yards before they found Charlie Weis asleep under a tree with bits of eggshell on his shirt.

LA Sparks Select Alex Tyus With Fifth Pick In WNBA Draft

The Los Angeles Sparks came into this year's WNBA draft needing some front court muscle and they found just that when they selected University of Florida forward Alex Tyus with the fifth overall pick. Sparks head coach Jennifer Gillom was pleased to see Tyus fall to the fifth spot. "We really thought Tulsa was going to snatch Tyus up with the second pick," she said. "We feel like we got the second best player in this draft behind Maya Moore." The news of his selection by the Sparks came as a total shock to Tyus who was in Gainesville preparing for the NBA Draft. "I don't know what to say right now. I'm a little confused," he said. "They know I'm a dude, right?"

Orange & Blue Game Recap

UF's Offense: BRING BACK ADDAZIO! Am I right?...Anybody?...No? Good, that was a test and you passed! Fuck that guy.

UF's Defense: Greatest spring defense ever. '86 Bears out there I tell ya!

Player of the Game: Christian Provancha The Man Of La Mancha. He wins this honor for name alone. He's a walk-on and this is the only time I'm ever going to get to say his name. And yes, that's the nickname I've bestowed upon him. He also threw a touchdown to Snow White's eighth dwarf, Robert "Speedy" Clark. So this honor isn't completely hollow.

Muschamp Kills McDonald's Employee After Attempted April Fool's Joke

This was the last thing Craig Larson
saw before being blasted.

A warrant is out for the arrest of Will Muschamp after the Gators head coach brutally murdered a McDonald's employee who tried to pull an April Fool's joke on him. Muschamp stopped into McDonald's on his way to work yesterday morning for a cup of coffee. The employee, Craig Larson, 21, told Muschamp they only had decaf. Before he could say, "April Fool's", Muschamp began bashing his face in repeatedly in front of a half-dozen horrified patrons.