Scouting Report: University Of Ablamlaall Crimson Tide

And that's as far as Ablamlala fans can
go in the alphabet.

Founded: 1924 by brothers, Donnie and Ronnie Feingold, who thought it would be hilarious if a couple of educated Jews from New York started an institute of higher learning in a state with such a comically low IQ.

Location: Tuscaloosa

Enrollment: 31,747. I'm shocked they can count that high. Someone's been watching Team Umizoomi.

Famous Alum: Bernie Madoff. Just goes to show you, the football program isn't the only part of the university that's corrupt.

Head Coach: Ornery little lawn gnome, Nick Saban. 16th season overall (138-53-1). 5th season at Ablamaba (47-11). I'm a little surprised by that record because talking to Tide fans, I was under the impression he was undefeated for his career.

Brantley Not Really 'Feeling It' This Week, Likely To Sit Out Saturday

Quarterback John Brantley showed up to practice today wearing a neck brace and ruled himself out for Saturday's game against the Crimson Tide. "I got a little bit of a sore throat. Not sure I can play," he said speaking with the media.

Will Muschamp: Cinemaphile

At today's weekly presser with the media, Will Muschamp admitted to watching Star Wars: A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back. He was kind enough to sit down and share with me the only movies he's ever watched. Here is the list in his own words.

Florida/Kentucky Game Recap

Florida 48 - Kentucky 10
Commonwealth Stadium
September 24, 2011

Scouting Report: University of Kentucky Wildcats

You'd be catty too, if your football
team has always been a laughingstock.

Founded: 1982 by Dick Shithammer, who after watching Bladerunner, was inspired to start a college.

Location: Lexington. If I lived there and worked out a lot, my pickup line would be, "Hey baby, welcome to Flexington," as I showed her my guns. Then I'd hurl myself into a wood chipper because I live in Kentucky.

Enrollment: 27,209. Looked that up on Wikipedia. And who says I don't do any research on these things????

Famous Alums: John T. Scopes, whose pet monkey was put on trial in 1925 for being just a little too smart for people in Tennessee...U.S. Senator Mitch McConnell, who's most famous for defeating the hare in their historic race...Ashley Judd, who's famous for looking good, being the wife of racecar driver Dario Franchitti, and only supporting Kentucky's basketball team. She also has dreams of being an actress one day. Good luck with that, Ashley, we're all rooting for you!

Referee Still Upset About Being Yelled At By Muschamp

Saturday's Tennessee-Florida game saw an abundance of flags thrown. In total, 26 penalties were called, 16 of which, went against the Gators. Included in this flag parade were six pass interference calls that sparked the ire of Will Muschamp toward the officiating crew. Drawing the most verbal abuse was referee Tom Ritter, who Muschamp blasted going into the tunnel at halftime.

Tennessee/Florida Game Recap

Florida 33 - Tennessee 23
Ben Hill Griffin Stadium
September 17, 2011

Scouting Report: University of Tennessee Volunteers

'T' is for Tooth. Let this be a
reminder for Vol fans to brush it.

Founded: 1794 by wealthy shipping magnate, Ronald P. Tennessee. Originally from Delaware, Mr. Tennessee longed to move west because he wanted to leave the shipping trade behind and become a teacher, but mostly because his loins burned to make love to a black bear. So, he headed west before, coincidentally, settling in Tennessee. Immediately after establishing the university (named after himself and not the state), he set his sights on his sexual conquest. Trudging through the forest wearing nothing more than boots and a hollowed out bear head, he spotted a black bear cub lapping water at a creek. He sprung from the brush and was able to mount the cub for a full five seconds before being swatted off and mauled to death by the mother bear. To this day, Tennessee students honor his memory by having sex with animals.

Muschamp And Dooley Agree No Matter What Happens Saturday, They're Still BFFs

Immediately following Florida's 39-0 win over UAB on Saturday, head coach Will Muschamp called Tennessee head coach Derek Dooley and told him that no matter the outcome to this Saturday's game, they would still be total BFFs. Dooley agreed and said he just wants this week to end so they can go back to hanging out. "We were gonna go see that new Ryan Gosling movie, Drive, together this Friday, but we have this stupid game on Saturday. Friendship is so much bigger than football, you know? By the way, is Drive like another one of those Fast And The Furious movies, but they just got lazy with the title?" said Dooley. This Saturday's game marks the first of three games this season against BFFs for Muschamp. The others include Ablamlalaa and Nick Saban and FSU and Jimbo Fisher. "Yeah, those games are really going to test our bonds as friends," said Muschamp while making a friendship bracelet for Dooley. "But we all made pinkie promises once I was hired that football was not going to come between four of the best buds in the world."

UAB/Florida Game Recap

Florida 39 - UAB 0
Ben Hill Griffin Stadium
September 10, 2011


UF's Offense: Just pathetic. Too many missed opportunities in the red zone. Only 4/12 on 3rd down conversions and 1/2 on 4th down. Absolutely terrible. THEY HAD TO PUNT TWICE! Can you believe that? And what the fuck is up with all the swing passes. Christ, give it up, Charlie. Call something else. This is Addazio all over again, you guys. You run 75 plays, control the clock for 36:29 and can only gain 511 total yards and 39 points? THIS IS UAB! You should be able to put up three times that! And why are you taking a knee at the end of the game? You lineup and smash it down their throats for 60 minutes! I don't ever want to see that shit again! All I can do is shake my head. Now, I don't want to take anything away from UAB's defense. Color me impressed. Those boys held the #18 team in the country to 511 total yards and 39 points. They gave their offense a chance to win and that's all you can ask.

Scouting Report: University of Almabaala-Birmingham Blazers

There have not been any dragons
in Birmingham since 1984.

Founded: 1936 by a family of gypsies.

Location: Birmingham, Ablamlaaa. Durrr hurrr hurrrr.

Enrollment: 17,543. Yeeeaaahhh, that sounds like a believable number. Which is exactly what they want you to think--that people actually attend their university.

Famous Alums: None.

Head Coach: Neil Callaway. 5th season as a head coach, all at UAB. 15-33 overall. Doin' a bang-up job, Neil!

FAU/Florida Game Recap

Florida 41 - FAU 3
Ben Hill Griffin Stadium
September 3, 2011

Scouting Report: Florida Atlantic University Owls

Hey, we're FAU and in case you didn't know what that
stands for, it's Florida Atlantic. Here's an owl!
What a mess.

Founded: *shrugs* Recently?

Location: Rat Mouth, Florida

Enrollment: A handful.

Famous Alums: Porn star Mary Carey. Not even making that shit up. Don't believe me? Boom. (Don't worry, link is SFW). She majored in Double Penetration and minored in Keeping Your Self-Esteem At A Minimum. Also, Carrot Top attended FAU. No word as to which one the school is more ashamed of.

Head Coach: Howard Schnellenberger (11th season).