Florida/Georgia Game Recap

Florida 20 - Georgia 24
Everbank Field
October 29, 2011

Scouting Report: University Of Georgia Bulldogs

Also beaten by Chris Brown,
along with everyone else.

Founded: 1785 by an actual pack of bulldogs, which proves just how easy it is to start a university.

Location: Athens. Not Greece. Unlike the Greeks, they only worship one God in Georgia--Herschel Walker. Although, when you really think about it, isn't that kinda like being polytheistic?

Enrollment: 34,885. Also the number of days that have passed since their last national championship.

Famous Alum: Kim Basinger. I fondly remember when she was hot. I haven't seen her in anything recently. She's 57 now, so I bet Father Time has beat her worse than Chris Brown. I bet her face resembles Georgia's logo...

Richt Accidentally Kills Mascot

Temporary Georgia mascot, Russ, died early Wednesday morning after being struck by a car driven by Georgia head coach Mark Richt. The accident occurred on-campus around 6 a.m. Russ was on his morning walk with his handler, Jennie Hickson, when the leash slipped from her hand and Russ ran into the street as Richt was driving by. The Georgia head coach was distracted while he was driving after he did that thing where you're holding a cup of coffee and you look at your watch and spill coffee on yourself. There were no other witnesses at the scene.

Grantham Promises To Be Bigger Asshole Against Florida This Year

Gratham seen here
trying his hardest not
to look like an asshole
and failing.

In his first year as defensive coordinator for the Georgia Bulldogs, Todd Grantham did not endear himself to Gator fans. During last year's contest between the two rivals, Grantham was seen on camera making a choking gesture toward Florida kicker Chas Henry, before Henry sent the game winning field goal sailing through the uprights.

Nine days ago on October 15, Grantham was seen being an asshole again. Following the Bulldogs win over Vanderbilt, Grantham was involved in an on-field confrontation with Commodores head coach James Franklin. Grantham now says that he plans on being an even bigger asshole against Florida this Saturday in Jacksonville.

"Yeah, that little faggot Henry beat us last year and I accept all the blame for that loss. I feel like I could've done more, like tell him I slept with his mother or that I would kick his ass after the game if he made that kick," said Grantham.

Florida Gator Halloween Costume Ideas

1. Angry Will Muschamp

Scare the shit out of the children in your neighborhood by dressing up in this simple costume. Be sure to warm up your vocal chords before going out in public, then scream yourself hoarse at the world that done you wrong by yelling these classic Muschamp lines:

"YOU GUYS AIN'T GOT NO GUTS, MAN!"

"THAT'S BULLSHIT!"

"THROW THE FLAG!"

"BOOM MOTHERFUCKER!"

"GET YOUR ASS IN THE GAME!"

"YOUR GUTLESS!"

What you need: Khakis. Blue Gator polo.

Bonus Points: Headset. Red contact lenses to strike fear in everyone. Chew on an Alka-Seltzer tablet to create optimum frothing at the mouth. Use a red marker to accentuate your neck veins. Hulk hands. A buddy to dress up as a ref and let you scream in his ear all night long.

Florida/Auburn Game Recap

Florida 6 - Auburn 17
Jordan-Hare Stadium
October 15, 2011

Scouting Report: Auburn University Tigers

You may not be dirty in the eyes of
the NCAA, but you'll always
be dirty in our hearts.

Founded: 1856 by Josiah Blackstone, who built the school with his own two hands in the hopes of winning the heart of a young lass named, Amelia. Sadly, it wasn't meant to be as she ran off with one of his slaves. 

Location: Auburn.

Enrollment: 25,469 is what the internet tells me and the internet is never wrong.

Famous Alum: Normally, I try to put someone here that isn't famous for sports, but I can't find a single famous person from Auburn that wasn't a professional athlete. Seriously, look at this list of "famous" alums and try and find someone you've heard of that didn't play sports. Sure there's plenty of politicians, judges, university presidents, military personnel, etc., but every university in the country pumps out their share of prestigious alums. My apologies that I don't know anything about current Georgia Supreme Court Judge, Harold D. Melton. And yes, I see current Apple CEO, Tim Cook, is an alum, but he's not Steve Jobs. He didn't give the world the iPhone. Most people can't even tell you who the new CEO of Apple is. And I'm willing to bet, sadly, that most people still think Steve Jobs is CEO. So, who cares about Tim Cook? I bought products from Steve Jobs and you sir, are no Steve Jobs. Really, Auburn? You can't produce one single vapid celebrity or drug-addled musician or brilliant, reclusive author? No wonder you play second fiddle to Albalmlala. Thanks for nothing. You suck.

Florida/LSU Game Recap

Scouting Report: Louisiana State University Tigers

Mouth breather.

Founded: 1860 by a gaggle of French whores who wanted to better themselves. Tragically, they all died of syphilis before the school officially opened. In fact, one of the whores contracted syphilis from Craig James' great great grandfather, Osiris, which proves the James family have been killing hookers for centuries. #RememberTheSIX

Location: Baton Rouge. Such a beautiful city, nestled gently in the heart of the Rocky Mountains.

Enrollment: 28,871. That's a lot of gumbo-smelling, drunks.

Famous Alum: The band Better Than Ezra. This weekend's matchup really needs to be billed as Sister Hazel vs. Better Than Ezra. This is probably Florida's best chance at a victory this weekend, but let's just call this one a draw and walk away before our ears bleed.

Will Muschamp Responds To His Critics

As usual after a loss, there's a lot of vitriol and irrational analysis floating around the internet. Here to defuse it, is the head coach himself, Will Muschamp.

So, I wake up this morning and sit down to eat my usual breakfast of rawhide and charcoal, when I start perusing my favorite websites and come across this gem over at Alligator Army in their FanPosts section by some jackwagon named ParadigmShift35. What, scared to use your real name, son? Now, I love the Alligator Army, some real top-notch writing over there, but I can't believe they let some yahoo write drivel like that. When I read that post, it put me over the fucking edge. That's not the only post of that nature that I've read since Saturday's loss. I've been reading garbage like that all over the internet the past few days.

Tampa Man Blames Self For Loss After Not Wearing Lucky Shirt

Last night's blowout loss to the Crimson Tide was hard on a lot of folks around Gator Nation, but none more-so than one Tampa area man, who took full responsibility for Florida's sound defeat. "It's my fault. I wasn't wearing my lucky Gator shirt," said an inconsolable Michael Roundtree, who was hosting a party at his house for the game. "We were having a real good time, dancing and carrying on, when my friend lost his balance and fell into me and caused me to spill my Dr. Pepper on my lucky white Gators shirt. I had to change shirts."

Ablamala/Florida Game Recap

Florida 10 - Abalmalla A Lot More Than Ten
Ben Hill Griffin Stadium
October 1, 2011