Muschamp Fired After Arrest For Arson

Will Muschamp was arrested this afternoon on charges of arson. Six days after promising to burn down the beach house he and Jimbo Fisher co-own in Pensacola, Muschamp followed through on his promise. He was still at the scene of the fire when police and firemen arrived. Pensacola police officers say they found Muschamp standing motionless staring at the flames in an almost hypnotized state.

FSU/Florida Game Recap

Florida 7 - FSU 21
Ben Hill Griffin Stadium
November 26, 2011

Scouting Report: Florida State University Seminoles

We took your land, our bad. So, we're
gonna honor your legacy by using
your tribe's name as our nickname
and call it even. You're welcome.

Founded: 1873 by Joseph Harrison. He was the younger brother of Edward Harrison who founded the University of Florida three years earlier. Joseph had a massive inferiority complex and wanted to prove that his older brother wasn't the only one in the family who could start a university. He figured if he started a university for girls it would increase his chances of having sex and make his brother super duper jealous. Sadly, Joseph was ugly as sin and would go his whole life never knowing a woman's touch. In 1907, at the age of 68, he had an "aw, fuck it" moment and opened the school to males. Two days later he hired Bobby Bowden as the head coach of the school's football squad. Tired of living in his brother's shadow, he hung himself in 1930. Edward lived to be 112 years old and had a huge penis.

Location: Sauron's asshole.

Enrollment: 40,838. This just saddens me. Why would anyone waste 7 years of their life there?

Famous Alums: The two silicon implants attached to Jenn Sterger's chest.

Head Coach: Jimbo Fisher. 2nd season overall (17-8). Let's check in with Jimbo and see how he's doing...

News In Pictures: Where's Mike Gillislee?

Muschamp Promises To Burn Down Beach House If Gators Lose

Upon being hired at the University of Florida, one of the first questions Will Muschamp received was about the beach house he and FSU head coach Jimbo Fisher share. Muschamp assured that things would not be awkward and that he and Jimbo were good friends.

Furman/Florida Game Recap

OK, so I didn't watch yesterday's game because it wasn't on TV and was blacked out on ESPN3.com (or maybe I found a link online and watched Florida struggle with FURMAN for three quarters. I'll never tell, but if I did watch the game, let's just say I'd rather not talk about some of things I witnessed). Instead, I spent the time yesterday tweeting what I thought was happening during the game. I will now recap the game that played inside my head. If you weren't following me on Twitter yesterday, here's the link to all my tweets from the game. I suggest you read the tweets if you haven't so you know what the hell I'm talking about in this recap.

Scouting Report: Furman University Paladins

U.

Founded: 1972 by Fur Man, the lamest Marvel superhero of all-time. Fur Man had the ability to grow fur from head to toe and twice as fast as a normal man. He was killed by fire ants during a picnic because he was THAT lame.

Location: Greenville, South Carolina. This is the second week in a row Florida has to play a school from South Carolina. Thankfully, Furman's coming to Gainesville. I can't blame Florida for losing last week. Being in that state really destroys your psyche. I'm sure football was the last thing on their minds and all they could think about was fleeing the bowels of despair.

Enrollment: Scott Turner.

News In Pictures: Where's Mike Gillislee?

Furman Not Looking Past Florida

The Furman Paladins' hopes of an at-large FCS playoff berth took a hit over the weekend after losing to Elon 41-34. Whether they make the playoffs or not, the Paladins (6-4) insist they are not overlooking their final regular season game this Saturday against a weaker opponent in the Florida Gators.

Florida/South Carolina Game Recap

Florida 12 - South Carolina 17
Williams-Brice Stadium
November 12, 2011

Scouting Report: University of South Carolina Gamecocks

Bold move going with a fowl that
looks like it's choking. Then again, I
guess it perfectly captures USC football.

Founded: 1801 and 60 years later the Civil War began. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

Location: The saddest place on Earth--Columbia, South Carolina. No, it's a great place...for a dog to wander off and die in. I'm joking. I would love to live there...if I hated happiness and sunshine.

Enrollment: 29,597. I know for a fact that most of those are farm animals and puppets. Ain't no way that many people gonna willingly attend a school in Sakerlina.

Famous Alums: Hootie And The Blowfish. The SEC leads the nation in football and bands that make me want to set myself on fire, then stop, drop, and roll on broken glass.

2011-12 Florida Gators Men's Basketball Half-Assed Season Preview

The Gators tip-off for realsies on Friday night against vaunted--let me check the schedule real quick--Jackson State. Here's an overview of this season's team.

Quick 2010-11 Recap: 29-8 (1st overall in SEC: 13-3). Lost to Kentucky in SEC Tournament Championship Game. Lost to Butler in the Elite Eight. Finished 10th in final poll.

Key Losses: Chandler Parsons, Alex Tyus, Vernon Macklin.

Key Additions: Bradley Beal, Mike Rosario.

Spurrier Working On His Zingers In Anticipation Of Defeating Florida

Following last year's dominating win over Florida, Gamecocks head coach Steve Spurrier quipped, "Sometimes the Gamecocks get out alive," taking a shot at The Swamp's tagline, "Where only Gators get out alive." This week, Spurrier's been working on new material in hopes he can use it following another win over his alma mater this Saturday. "Welp, I don't want to give away too much, but I might throw out a 'God's smilin' on the Gamecocks' or maybe 'God quit smilin' on the Gators a long time ago' or possibly just shouting 'Boom motherfucker' when I shake Muschamp's hand after the game. I don't know, I'm brainstorming right now," said Spurrier before his tee shot on the 14th hole. The Head Ball Coach is known for his one liners, but admitted that in the past he had a writer for all of his zingers. "When I was at Florida I hired a guy named Burt Lancaster, no relation to the actor, to write all my material. He came up with the 'You can't spell Citrus without U-T' line and the Free Shoes U joke. Once I took over as the Redskins head coach, I didn't have much use for him since I was getting my butt whupped, so I let him go. I've been writing my own stuff since then. Writing jokes is a lot harder than figuring out how to beat Florida's secondary."

Vanderbilt/Florida Game Recap

Florida 26 - Vanderbilt 21
Ben Hill Griffin Stadium
November 5, 2011

UF's Offense: Charlie Weis is obviously a fan of this blog. After reading what I wrote in this spot last week, Charlie said to himself, "Goddamn. TUG's right. I gotta run the ball if I'm going to be successful in this league." Then he went out there and gave the ball to Jeff Demps and Mike Gillislee. Not only that, but he did it out of the pistol formation, which is the ninth different offense he's run in nine games this season. Seriously, does anyone know what Weis' base offense looks like? Yeah, me neither. Although, he could run the Wing-T with Brantley next week and as long as they scored points and won, I wouldn't care.

Scouting Report: Vanderbilt University Commodores

Enjoy your win on Saturday, guys.

Founded: What does it even matter?

Location: The season's over. I've lost the will to write. I don't care anymore.

Enrollment: Florida's lost four in a row and they're probably going to lose to Vanderbilt this Saturday. Fucking Vanderbilt, man.

Famous Alums: There's no point in doing this. I just want this season to end. I've already moved on to baskeWHOA WHOA WHOA! Wait a minute. Skip Bayless attended Vanderbilt? What the fuck, Vanderbilt? Why would you deliberately try to destroy humanity? Skip Bayless is a genital wart on the dong of sports journalism. I would rather listen to Fran Drescher laugh directly into my ear with a megaphone than listen to anything Skip Bayless has to say. Simply put, he is an idiot. Oh, I know he's a very outspoken supporter of Tim Tebow, but that doesn't mean you should listen to him. The fact that Bayless supports him almost makes me hate Tebow. I said ALMOST. Skip Bayless may be defending him now, but this is the same guy who said in 2007, the year Tebow won the Heisman, that no one deserved the Heisman and that the Downtown Athletic Club shouldn't even award the trophy that year. Skip Bayless is paid to say stupid things to get idiots like me to flip out so it generates ratings and interest. That's the only possible explanation because if he actually believes the asinine bullshit he spouts on a daily basis, then he truly is one of the dumbest human beings alive. No one should ever listen to what this man has to say. The proper response to Skip Bayless is to either turn the channel, put it on mute (if you can tolerate his stupid face), or the best option, turn off your TV. Also, Buster Olney attended Vanderbilt and I don't care much for him either, but he's slightly more tolerable than Skip Bayless. Jesus, Vanderbilt. Does your school of journalism have a class called "How To Be Wrong All The Time And Still Get Paid"? Does Craig James have a journalism degree from your school too? Because I would believe it if someone told me he did.

You know what? Screw it. I'm fired up now. Vanderbilt, you've pissed me off. I'm starting this scouting report over. From the top. Let's go!