The town of Vicksburg, Mississippi was seized earlier today be a drunken Will Muschamp. In honor of Presidents Day and his favorite president, Ulysses S. Grant, Muschamp drank three bottles of whiskey and then marched northwest, burning and pillaging almost everything in his path until reaching the famous Civil War town that sits on the Mississippi River. Muschamp was heard yelling, "IF WE CONTROL THE MIGHTY MISSISSIPPI, WE CONTROL RECRUITING IN THE SOUTH!" The National Guard was called in to turn Muschamp away, but he managed to outmaneuver them, while in the process, commandeered one of their vehicles. Muschamp is currently stationed in a heavily armed bunked he built in the center of town. A call was placed to President Obama about the situation, to which the president replied, "Find out what he drinks and send my commanders a case." As of now, military officials are planning to let Muschamp camp out in the town overnight, in hopes he'll sober up and leave in the morning on his own accord. "We all know a drunk Muschamp is a dangerous Muschamp, so we're gonna leave him be for the night, then turn the hose on him in the morning," said Lieutenant Charles Shipley.
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