Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Scouting Report: Marquette University Golden Eagles

Mar-ket. Get it? Wocka Wocka Wocka!
Founded: 1881. It just appeared out of thin air, which in a way explains how Marquette vanishes out of thin air every year well before the Elite Eight.

Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Home of clogged arteries, minimal lung capacity, enlarged hearts, sleep apnea, hypertension, diabetes, and cheap beer. The only redeemable quality is Bob Uecker.

Enrollment: 11,599. They couldn't round that off to 11,600? That annoys me.

Famous Alum: Chris Farley who began drinking and using drugs while there. So it's safe to say, had he attended any other college he would be alive today. Marquette killed Chris Farley.

Conference: The Respectable Big East*

Head Coach: Buzz Williams. He's won some and lost some, but none more than Melissa, the love of his life, who walked out on him in the spring of '94 without any explanation.  Sometimes the phone will ring and he'll answer and hear silence. He cries her name, but there's never any response. He walks into the other room and plays Pearl Jam's "Black" on his stereo and drowns out Eddie Vedder's vocals with his own heartbroken baritone as his voice cracks, lips quiver, and eyes well with tears as he tries to belt out the ending of the song, but he's never able to make it pass the line, "why can't it be mine?" So, he coaches to quell the pain. He coaches for her because he knows she's watching.

Season Record: 25-7. All for you, Melissa. Buzz loves you. Please come back to him.

Strengths: Very good at winning jump balls, which, is like, a very overlooked aspect of the game and usually decides the outcome 93% of the time.

Weaknesses: Very poor at defending the free throw line.

Player To Watch: Jae Crowder. He leads the team in scoring, rebounding, steals, and scored a 98 on his Business Law test last week. The only question he missed was "5) Store owners' 'conditional privilege' defense against intentional tort claims brought by detained shoplifting suspects, recognized by most states, usually _____" and he answered with "C) extends only to false imprisonment claims" when he should have said "D) requires that the store owner act with probable cause, in a reasonable manner, and detain the suspect for only a reasonable length of time." Man, what a dumb fuck.

Fun Fact: Marquette does not have a football team, therefore, does not have a penis.

*This label only applies during basketball season. Replace "respectable" with "embarrassing" in all other instances.