The following conversation took place on Saturday, April 28, 2012 at 7:12 p.m. A downtrodden John Brantley seeks out solace in another undrafted SEC quarterback, Stephen Garcia.
[Phone rings. Garcia answers. Music blaring in the background.]
Stephen Garcia: HELLO?
John Brantley: Hey, Stephen, it's John.
SG: HELLO? I CAN'T HEAR YOU, BRO! YOU GOTTA SPEAK UP!
JB: HELLO! CAN YOU HEAR ME? IT'S ME, JOHN! JOHN BRANTLEY!
SG: 'SUP BRO?
JB: STEPHEN, HEY HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING THE DRAFT?
JB: THE DRAFT? HAVE YOU SEEN IT?
SG: WHAT? THEY'RE STARTING THE DRAFT AGAIN? FUCKING OBAMA, MAN! WHAT AN UNCHILL MOVE BY THE BROCHACHO-IN-CHIEF! WHO ARE WE AT WAR WITH NOW? IS IT NORTH KOREA? I SAW THEY WERE SHOOTING BOTTLE ROCKETS OR SOME SHIT AT AMERICA! YOU KNOW THEY EAT DOGS, MAN? THEY'RE SO FUCKED UP OVER THERE!
JB: NO, STEPHEN, CAN YOU TURN THE MUSIC DOWN? I CAN'T KEEP YELLING OVER THE PHONE!
SG: BRO, IT'S FREEBIRD! HOLD ON, HERE COMES THE BEST PART!
[A few minutes go by as Garcia air guitars the solo. Then turns the stereo down.]
SG: So, what were you saying?
JB: The NFL Draft. Are you watching it?
SG: Huh? That was this weekend?
JB: Yeah, you honestly didn't know that?
SG: Whoa. Nope. I've been too busy living life in Cold One City, USA. Dude, do you follow Dad Boner on Twitter? Dude is awesome! Someone told me it's fake, but no way, man. No way that's fake. You can't make that shit up. I want to party with that dude!
JB: No, I don't really tweet that much. And I didn't think you were on Twitter?
SG: I am, I tweet under the name Clay Travis. And yes you do, bro. I follow you. You're always tweeting jokes about how much you suck. It's hilarious.
JB: No, that's a fake account.
SG: [pauses] Well, it's still pretty hilarious.
JB: So what are you doing if you're not watching the draft?
SG: Partying, bro! I'm pounding brews and I've got some bitches over right now. Oh shit, that Bud Lite commercial with the dog is on. EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW!
[Garcia's heard laughing]
WEGOOOOOOOOO! Man, I love that little fucking dog. Dude, I have a bulldog named Bark Lesner, I tried training that lazy fucker to bring me beer, but all he does is look at me like I'm stupid or something. I'm thinking of trading him in for a St. Bernard. That way I can put the booze in his little barrel and he can bring it to me. That would be sweet!
JB: Stephen, do you ever think back to when we were seniors in high school? We were the top two quarterbacks in the state of Florida. We dominated. Our futures were bright. Where did it all go wrong? Sometimes I think what if I had went to Texas, would I have been better off? If I had gone to Texas, would you have gone to Florida?
SG: First of all, are you growing a vagina on me right now? Second of all, the first mistake you made was thinking you could replace Tim Tebro. Third of all, yeah, I probably would've gone to Florida because it's such a better party school than USC, but then again, USC's the Cocks [laughs]. That will always be funny. It would've been a tough choice, but I don't think about that stuff because my life is great, bro. Every night I pound brews and slay gash. Take last weekend for instance. I'm with these two insanely hot chicks and they start making out and I'm like, "DO IT!" and they start undressing each other--
JB: Hold on, I've got another call.
[Brantley answers his other line]
Deonte Thompson: Hey, John, it's De
SG: ...that's when the midget walks in and I'm like, watch out dude, that's not mayonnaise. You had to have been there, bro! So when are you coming to Cold One City to hang?
JB: That's not a real place.
SG: Bro, Cold One City is where ever you make it, bro.
JB: Hold on, I've got a call on the other line again.
John Harbaugh: Hello, John. How would you like to be a member of the Baltimore Ravens?
JB: That sounds great! Thank you!
JH: Well, welcome aboard! I'll see you Monday morning.
JB: Great! Thank you so much once again! You won't regret it!
JH: Okay, bye.
JB: Stephen are you still there?
[Garcia is heard singing a Nickelback song]
SG: Yeah, bro. Still here.
JB: Hey, I'm going to sign with Baltimore.
SG: Haven't the Orioles suffered enough?
SG: Bro, I'm yanking your pud. I guess humor sails over your head as frequently as one of your passes. HEY-O!
JB: That's not real nice.
SG: Seriously, dude, I'm joking. Congrats! I'll drink a case of brews for you tonight.
JB: Thanks. I gotta go and tell everyone. Later.
SG: Later, broseph!
[Brantley hangs up]
Deonte Thompson: Hey man, it's Deonte. Looks like I'm going to sign with Bal