Sunday, June 10, 2012

The Mailsack: 6/10/12

This is the first installment of a new feature where I answer your questions. Let's get to it!

Hey, why did the Gators let Bradley Beal go to the NBA1?! He was there best player! This is why Billy Donovan can't win a championship anymore! He can't keep any of his players! He can't even keep Walton Pitchford from leaving! He just not a good recruiter. Calipari is kicking his ass and it's gonna continue until one of them leaves. Billy shoulda went to the Magic when he had the chance.
-Wesley

Wesley, you poor, dumb motherfucker. Are you sure you're not a Miami Hurricanes fan? You stupid asshole. Please don't ever send me a question again.


Do you agree that Trey Burton is the best QB on the roster and should receive more snaps under center this fall?
-Trey B.


Fuck me. Another terrible question. No. Never. Next.


Hi, TUG! Who do you think will begin the season as starting QB?
-Alyssa

Finally, a good question! Thank you, Alyssa. By the way, that's a very pretty name. I used to date a girl named Alyssa in high school. I hope you're not a lying whore like her. She told me how much she wanted to be with me. She told me we would be together forever. She told me she loved me more than anything. That she would do ANYTHING for me. Then I found out she was seeing another guy that, get this, LIVED IN ANOTHER STATE! How the fuck is that even possible? Then she tells me that she stopped having feelings for me for awhile and I'm like, "You didn't think to maybe tell me, your boyfriend, that you no longer see me the same way, so you decide, 'Hey, I'm just gonna start this relationship with this guy who lives 8 hours away and whatevs'?" And she was like, "It slipped my mind." So we broke up. I was devastated, but yet I still had feelings for her. I wanted her back. I was miserable without her. She ended her long-distance relationship and I thought we would get back together, but no. She began seeing this other turd, who was just that, a turd that possessed human-like characteristics. I didn't understand why she was with him. Her and I still talked and hungout together. In fact, I probably spent more time with her than her turd boyfriend. One night she blew out her knee and guess who was with her the entire next day helping her out around the house and caring for her? Not Turd Turdington. Me! I watched the Florida/Tennessee game with her that night when Alex Brown ate Tee Martin for dinner (FUCK YEAH, ALEX BROWN!). Every time I see highlights from that game, I think about that day with her. A few months later, this girl named Jessica wanted to date me and Alyssa was all like, "You better not date her! You better tell her 'no' right now!" And I'm like, "Whoa, what do you care? You have a boyfriend. Why are you so jealous?" And she's like, "Because I love you." Then she broke down crying. That was the first time since we dated that she told me she loved me. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything to her for the rest of the night. I put my arm around her, she put her head on my shoulder, I held her hand, and we sat there in silence for the rest of the night trying not to ruin the moment. I took her home and the next morning I called her to see if we were going to get back together and she says, "I'm happy with the way things are with Turd Turdington." IT WAS LIKE THE NIGHT BEFORE NEVER HAPPENED! Who the fuck does shit like that? Psychotics, that's who. That is some serious Jedi-level mindfucking right there. Why would you play with my emotions like that? At that moment, something in me snapped. I was done being used by her. No longer would I be her emotional crutch for when she needed to feel loved. I was sick of it. I decided to cut her out of my life for good. I was done with her. And it was the best decision I ever made. You know how I know? Because after four years of not speaking to her, she calls me up, completely out of the blue one night and wants me to take her back! Are you serious? I don't think so, honey. You had your chance. I'm sorry your life went down the toilet, but this train has set sail. If you knew I was the best thing for you back then, why did you feel the need to toy with me until I blew up? See, I'm like a hippopotamus. I look like a cute, cuddly, harmless ol' bundle of fun, but if you get too close I will fuck your shit up in a hurry. You, my dear, poked me with a stick too many times thinking it was funny and I trounced your ass. So, take that, Alyssa! I'm the one that came out on the other side of this a better person! I WIN! But getting back to the original question, I think Driskel will start the season at quarterback.


Well, that's it for this week's installment of The Mailsack. Join me next time, which, I don't know when the next time will be. December? Yeah, come back in December.

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