Thursday, September 13, 2012

What's The Difference Between A Porcupine And A Building Full Of Tennessee Fans?

Well, for starters, one is an animal and the other is an inanimate object occupied with human beings, but let's dig deeper.

The porcupine (erethizon dorsatum) is a rodent often found in Asia, Africa, and America, but not commonly found in Tennessee. They prefer to live in forests, deserts, rocky and hilly regions. They feed on leaves, twigs, and plants and mostly scrounge for food at night.

The size of a porcupine can vary from 25-36 inches long with an 8-10 inch tail and weigh 12-35 lbs. They are slow and round in shape. Various shades of brown and grey are the most common colors of the porcupine, but occasionally can be white.

The quills on a porcupine are for self-defense and despite what some may think, they cannot use them as projectiles. The quills can only be embedded by making contact with them. Once the quills are embedded, they will use the body heat of the victim to expand, making them more difficult to remove. They are docile creatures by nature.

Fig. 23.1--A porcupine's quills. Not the red arrows, the things on his back

Now, let's examine the building itself. For this particular example, we'll say the building is three stories tall. The average height of a three story building is 30 feet--much taller than a porcupine. This building is made with concrete, brick, mortar, steel, electrical wiring, drywall, copper piping, wood, and insulation. None of those materials are found in the anatomy of a porcupine. This building is also found in downtown Knoxville, which would be a pretty silly place to find a porcupine.

Fig. 54.21--Note the sad expression, hideous orange garb
and general roundness. This is key to identifying a
Tennessee fan.
Finally, we come to the Tennessee Volunteers fans that occupy this building. Volunteers fans (valde humanus) are native to Knoxville, Tennessee, but inhabit parts of the southern United States. They prefer mountainous or wooded areas. They feed primarily on funnel cakes, fried chicken, Golden Flake potato chips, and the McDonald's dollar menu.

The average size of a Volunteers fan is 72 inches tall and 302 lbs. Much like a porcupine, Vols fans are slow and round. Besides each being mammals, this is their lone similarity. Most Vols fans are white, but black and brown ones are known to exist. They wear painfully bright orange attire to blind their opponents and attract a mate. One characteristic they possess is the ability to change colors. During a game, their faces turn red and upon the conclusion of the game, they have been seen filing out of Neyland Stadium looking blue. It is unknown if this is a camouflaging mechanism. 

They are drunk and belligerent by nature and should be avoided, if possible. In the event you find yourself in close proximity to one, please use caution. A Vols fan's natural self-defense is their body odor, but have also been known to use a shotgun.

In conclusion, you can see the differences between a porcupine and a building full of Tennessee fans are quite numerous. Not to mention, with a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

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