Thursday, September 5, 2013

Scouting Report: University of Miami Hurricanes

Founded: 1931. New Yorker Donnie DiMaggio moved to Miami in 1928. He wanted to bring his enthusiasm for the Yankees to South Florida, but with no teams in Miami, he was unsure what to do. Spending his time lifting barrels and other heavy objects, DiMaggio got a job showing other people the proper technique for lifting. The first recorded utterance of the phrase, "Do you even lift, bro?" is attributed to DiMaggio. One day while showing two young women his pecs, the idea hit him to start a college. What better way to get women, compare muscles with other bros, and get rowdy at sporting events than a college? So, DiMaggio told two bros, who each told two bros, who then each told two more bros and before you know it, they had 37 bros signed up for college (the bros weren't very good at math).

Location:
Any dark alley where you find oral sex being performed in exchange for drugs.

Least Famous Alum: Brittany Stover. Class of '95. Majored in Economics. Died of alcohol poisoning during Spring Break of '96. Worked at a Ruby Tuesday's. Left behind a crushing debt and a boyfriend who heard about the news of her death while in bed with her best friend.

Head Coach: A sweaty white shirt.

Conference: ACC. Also the sound you make while watching teams from this conference play.

Strengths: Letting you know real fast about how good they used to be.

Weaknesses: Identifying the right players to provide impermissible benefits to in order to lead them to more wins.

Player to Watch: RB Duke Johnson. This boy's shiftier than a junebug dodging rain. How them Gator boys gonna get out of this pickle? [Will Muschamp jumps General Lee over Sun Life Stadium] [banjo riff]

Fun Fact: Miami is the only school that identifies themself primarily as a university, or “The U” as they say, because they are so goddamn insecure that no one takes them seriously as a university, so they have to go around telling everyone. Think about that. They don’t use an ‘M’ as a logo. It’s a fucking ‘U’ for university. That’d be like St. Thomas Aquinas High School just slapping a big “HS” on their helmets and obnoxiously running around telling everyone they’re from “The HS!” What a bunch of dumb shit. This, among other things, is why your school gets mocked, Miami. Jesus Christ. Gahhhhhhhh! AHHHH!!! THIS IS THE SHIT THAT PISSES ME OFF ABOUT YOUR SCHOOL! GODDAMMIT! YOUR FUCKING FANS LIVE IN THE PAST! I DON’T GIVE TWO FUCKING SHITS WHAT YOUR TEAM DID IN 1983, 1987, 1989, 1991, and 2001! I DON’T GIVE A SHIT THAT YOU’VE WON FOUR OF THE LAST FIVE AGAINST FLORIDA! FOUR OF THOSE GAMES WERE PLAYED AT THE BEGINNING OF THE LAST DECADE AND YOU LOST THE LAST ONE, YOU DUMB SHITS! SHUT UP! IT’S IN THE PAST! I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT ANY TEAM HAS DONE IN THE PAST! I LOVE WHAT FLORIDA HAS DONE IN THE PAST, BUT WHEN FLORIDA SUCKS IN THE PRESENT TIME AND SOMEONE TELLS ME THEY SUCK, I DON’T IMMEDIATELY JUMP TO, “THREE NATIONAL TITLES, BITCH! LOOK AT ALL THAT NFL TALENT! DURR HURRR HURRRRRRRRRR!” WHEN FLORIDA SUCKS, I FUCKING OWN IT! I ONLY CARE ABOUT RIGHT NOW! AND RIGHT NOW, YOUR TEAM HAS SUCKED SINCE 2005 AND YOU DON’T SHUT UP! EVER! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT! THE! FUCK! UP! THE ONLY ATTENTION YOUR FUCKING PROGRAM HAS GOTTEN IN THE LAST EIGHT YEARS, BESIDES HOW MUCH YOU SUCK, IS FROM THE NCAA INVESTIGATION! IF YOU WIN ON SATURDAY, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE IRRITATING SHITHEADS, BUT UNTIL YOU FUCKING BEAT SOMEONE WORTH A DAMN—SHUT THE FUCK UP! THERE’S A LINE BETWEEN BEING PROUD OF YOUR TEAM AND BEING A TOTAL IGNORANT, OBNOXIOUS, INSUFFERABLE ASSHOLE! I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE IT! I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH YOUR TEAM OR COACHES! I NEVER HAVE! IT’S ALL THE STUPID SHIT THAT YOUR FANBASE DOES AND SPOUTS OFF AT THE MOUTH! YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! THIS IS THE TRUE GENIUS OF YOUR FANBASE IS THAT YOU’RE SO GODDAMN ANNOYING YOU TAKE A REASONABLE, EDUCATED, SCHOLARLY GENTLEMAN LIKE MYSELF AND SLOWLY CHIP AWAY AT HIS PSYCHE WITH STUPID, HOMOPHOBIC SHIT LIKE “GAYTORS” UNTIL ALL THE IGNORANCE AND STUPIDITY AND OBNOXIOUSNESS FUSES WITH HIS BRAIN LIKE THE ALIEN SYMBIOTE FROM SPIDERMAN AND WHEN THE BRAIN IS COMPLETELY ENVELOPED IN THAT DARKNESS, HE FREEFALLS DOWN TO YOUR LEVEL AND IS HERE ON THE INTERNET SCREAMING PROFANITIES AND INSULTS RIGHT BACK AT YOU, YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS! I’M SO GLAD FLORIDA DOESN’T PLAY MIAMI EVERY YEAR BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE DIED FROM A GODDAMN ANUERISM A DECADE AGO FROM DEALING WITH YOU SHIT-TALKING MOTHERFUCKERS! I’VE WON PULIZTERS! I’VE DINED WITH ROYALTY! I OWN ITALIAN LOAFERS THAT ARE WORTH MORE THAN YOUR HOME! NOW LOOK AT ME! LOOK WHAT YOU’VE REDUCED ME TO! YOU WANT MY BLOOD? TAKE MY BLOOD! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sorry, I, uh, got a little carried away there. Um, go team and whatnot.

7 comments:

  1. Obviously, Unknown is a Cane.

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  2. Damn. Had me rolling at the illegal benefits joke... haha

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  3. YO YO I BET YOU LAUGHING REAL HARD NOW BRO

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    Replies
    1. I am. I'm watching Young Frankenstein. It's hilarious. Have you seen it? It's one of my favorites.

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  4. KEEEP LAUGHING BITCHESSSSSSSSS

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    1. I certainly plan to. As I said above, I'm watching Young Frankenstein. There are so many laughs to be had! You should check it out!

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