Thursday, September 19, 2013

Scouting Report: University of Tennessee Volunteers

Founded: 1962. Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed. A poor mountaineer who barely kept his family fed. Then one day he was shooting at some food when up from the ground came Demisophicles, an ancient Hellbeast that was awakened by the errant gunshots. The demon warned Jed that if he did not start a college within the next 30 days he would consume the souls of him and his family. Well, the next thing you know ol’ Jed’s running scared. His kinfolk said, “Jed, move away from there!” They said, “we don’t wanna be damned for eternity,” so they loaded up the truck and they moved to Tennessee. Knoxville, that is. Swimmin’ holes, whiskey jars.

Location: Inside Peyton Manning’s heart…aaaaaaaand Tony George just stole Peyton Manning’s heart.

Least Famous Alum: Franklin Detweiler. Class of ’63. Majored in psychology. Just kinda disappeared. Franklin, if you're still alive and reading this, Diane Thompkins would like you to give her a call. She still wants to know why you stood her up on the night of August 10, 1962? It has eaten at her all these years. Actually, "eaten" is probably the wrong word, since she developed an eating disorder shortly after you bailed on her because she thought maybe you thought she was fat. If that was reason, that's a dick move, Franklin. Call her and tell her you're sorry.

Head Coach: Butch Jones. Derek Dooley had the unenviable task of replacing a legend in Lane Kiffin. He was doomed to fail, but Jones is in the much preferred position of following the guy who followed THE guy.

Strengths: The waterboys and girls do a top notch job of getting liquids to the players. Hydration Weekly, a magazine devoted to the latest news and happenings in the world of hydration, recently rated the University of Tennessee’s “hydration specialists” 14th in the country and 2nd in the state of Tennessee behind Earl Thornton, who hands out free cups of water at his roadside stand along Highway 45 in Jackson.

Weaknesses: QB Justin Worley. It’s not so much his play, but his name. I don’t know how good or bad he is. I don’t watch Tennessee football. If I wanted to watch things fall off a cliff to the disappointment of thousands watching, I’d watch contestants fail at the mountain climber game on The Price Is Right*. I mean, “quarterback Justin Worley” doesn't really inspire confidence in me if I’m a Tennessee fan (and thank Demisophicles that I’m not), nor does it strike fear in me if I’m an opponent. Justin Worley’s not a quarterback. Justin Worley’s a middle school math teacher.

Player to Watch: DT Daniel McCullers. You can’t miss him. He’s 12’3” and weighs 10,000 hamburgers. When he was born, doctors sent a team of miners down to assess the damage to his mother. 

Fun Fact: It is illegal in the state of Tennessee to do anything without first asking the permission of Alex Brown.

*Tennessee should change their fight song from “Rocky Top” to the The Price Is Right’s fail horn.